I don’t understand the reason why I’ve started blogging about ‘me’. I think it’s because it doesn’t take much time in writing when it comes about just me, my life and of course my stuff- most probably! I just tap-tap on keyboard whatever comes into my mind. The social, official and formal type articles require thinking and meditation- in my case, which, I’m avoiding these days :p.
The past semester, I’d been in a sort of confusion or bewilderment, my thinking had some disorientation. Was just trying to figure out what was happening, who I was, who and what I have to become, who I had been, had I been trying to change myself into something “better”?. I’ve been fighting with myself. It wasn’t the ‘real-me’, nor did my life seem real. You don’t enjoy living life when you’re fighting with yourself at the same time. My mind was puzzled.
Life really seemed like a drama in the past few months- some emotional or awful drama. I was so volatile, never even felt like listening to any lecture with concentration. I tried to force myself in making decision which were ‘right’ according to the outside world, still couldn’t figure out that something ‘wrong’ going inside me that time. I wasn’t me.
Finally at the end of that pathetic drama, I concluded that I would never ever try to bring a ‘change’ in myself for anyone. I was contended with what I was! The pure me in Convent, the confident one. The moment I started trying to be what the world thinks I should be, I lost myself on the way. The point here is, people for whom I was trying bring a change in myself never really understood who I was. This world stinks! The artificial life stinks! The change surely deteriorates one’s personality.
I’m back!
Here I am, contended and happy once again. Life came back on those old tracks from the moment I stopped trying to be different, trying to be someone I was not! Even my friends and family could observe that. They told me that I hadn’t been ‘me’. I know there are probably a whole bunch of people who hate my guts and just don’t get the things I do. I’m happy with my parents, with friends and with relatives and that’s what matters the most now. It doesn’t mean the sad parts are over, there are few things I got to tackle out!
So what are the changes in this semester?
- To be what I am. Won’t change myself for anything or anyone.
- To trust my instincts, won’t listen to what the outside world barks about. After all, everyone has got the freedom of expression, so what, I’ve got the freedom too!
3. My head knows me better than my heart. So, will listen to head! Heart is stupid!
4. I have got the best friends in the whole world, who support me, cheer me up in the hard times. I really appreciate them telling me about the harsh truths related to me. Dears, you’re the best.
5. To never let go off something, because it’s not worth it in someone else’s eyes.
I guess 5 points are enough for now! It’s getting late. I need some sleep, have to get up early at 4 in the morning.
Signed: Ðêχţęŕ