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I lay in this gloomy darkness here, motionless. My body aching with excruciating pain, senses numb and mind restless, all create intolerable noises, all make me feel so uncomfortable. THIS life is way too difficult than the past 60 years I’ve spent cheerfully with my beloved friends and family. One deadly accident did it all. I used to be so strong and active, my mind was full of dreams, desires, wishes… I accomplished few and waited for the rest to be completed for I always knew I had enough time then. My weak brain can hardly count the unaccomplished, the unattained ones. It can do nothing, as now the reality doesn’t give me any room for the desires to fit. They say “where there is a will, there is a way”, I don’t understand why just now is the moment, when I’m feeling the strongest urge to fulfill my desires which irritate my mind like a needle piercing it from allover, but there is no way.

I’m now a claustrophobic, as my life lays surrounded by dozens of machines. No one among my friends and family seem to notice when I go off to sleep. Even my mind and debilitating body can’t differentiate whether I’m half asleep or fully awake. In my state of transition, the canvas of my brain spreads its wings and the memories’ projector starts it work. The images are vague, blurred and deceptively agile at the same time.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,

How I Wonder What You Are…

‘My first day at school when my class was rehearsing the poem, they all were stopped by my teacher mid-way through the rehearsal to introduce me to the whole class. How can I ever forget the sight when I entered, 15 pairs of eyes followed me from the door to my allotted desk. It was my first ever experience of the outside world and the people, forming civilized society. I could hear the low whispering of laughs of my fellow students. I can still recall the memory when my eyes were num-wet of the resistance I had presented to my mother and father , I can still hear my mother’s honey smooth voice as it echoed in my ears urging me to be brave and get to the class room confidently where I would make friends with lots of people.  I can picture the tears in my mother’s eyes when my name was called in the list of top students.

Almighty has taken them both away from me and all I could do was to lay in bed for days and nights, crying… crying for help, for some soothing voice to comfort me. Today I miss all my departed old friends; they can’t come to see me, not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. They won’t come back now. No one talks to me, no one tells me how much time I am left with. I can literally feel time is short and is running away.

I remember my academic results, reports, teachers and my beloved friends. I’ve spent the best time of my life with friends for they were always there to give courage and support.

“Give that to me….. give me that… you….. don’t you open it… no… DON’T……”

‘I remember the time when my friend was teasing me, tossing around the letter from the bank where I had applied, he opened the letter. Very faint movement of his lips gave me a hint which then converted to a wide smile, and he told, “Congrats buddy, you’ve got it, the job is all yours!”’

I knew it was just a brick of foundation towards the construction of big empire of my dreams. And I literally had all the intentions of reaching the top.

And then it was the day which changed my life forever, when I first met my lady. She inspired me, taught me more about life and made me feel alive in real. And within no time it came the moment I wish I never had lived up to… I can never forget words of the doctor…

“Sorry Sir, but we couldn’t save her….” And the words faded away.

The projector of my memories starts to flicker now, showing the clips of my past- even those memories are eroded which I had always tried to forget. As now the film reaches its end, the clips have started to become hazy and unclear, with longer intervals of darkness, of discomfort, of despair…

I am in pain now, but I can’t groan. I open my eyes as the long rays of tinted sun slicing through the darkness like rays of heaven fall into my room, onto my face. I can’t move an inch nor can my eyes blink. I can’t see but I can feel my family’s presence in my room.

I’m satisfied. I enjoyed my life, I suffered, I achieved, I lost… it should come to an end now.

I don’t want to fall into a dark tunnel again and lie here for eternity, to perish, to be forgotten even in their presence as if I never existed in this world. I want to find a shiny opening, by the end of this tunnel, to the eternal world. I want to finish with it and feel the vacuum of emptiness and hollowness. That would also be a part of me. I want to know what would it be like, to lose my self… Now is the time of possessing no individuality, no hope, no desire. My existence is no more in the shackles of time, in the mob of bones and mud, and nothingness…

——-X——

I’m feeling free now. I can sense, touch, hear, see… I hear the sound of crying… Muted racking sobs escape from the gathering. I don’t understand why such an outpouring of grief? I look around to ask someone, no one pays attention, no one acknowledges my touch… I scream to make myself heard, but my shouts fall on deaf ears. This is a difficult sensation. This has never happened before. I look at my surroundings again and again, my eyes and senses numb, unable to absorb the spectacle that confronts me. I stare into a face, similar to mine. A face that was my communion, a face that gave me strength and resolve my darkest fears, a face that confronted me everyday when I looked myself into the mirror. Can it be that I am dead now? Dead on my way to eternal slumber?

They’re crying for I am dead. Nooo, I still feel alive.  I am more alive than I was before. I won’t believe their lies. No one reaches out to lend me a helping hand, fear, emptiness and despair start to take over. Slowly I sink into the maze of torment… and I’m ready to accept my fate…

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